Keeping my daughter interested

[aes]

Some of the members here will recall that I started Karate with my daughter about 2 years ago. I had always been interested in it and used the excuse of my daughter wanting to join as an excuse to actually do it for myself.

 

As it turns out I am kind of obsessed with it and enjoy my training very much, however my daughter is starting to loose her interest. She actually asked about quitting this year saying that she does not get to hang out with her friends because it seems karate is always what she is doing. She also mentioned that some kids at school have made fun of her for being into Karate. She is in Grade 6 and is just about to turn 11 years old.

 

She started off doing very well at it. Was considered top in her class and won several tournaments at the gold-orange belt level, but as it got more demanding she seemed to want to give up.

 

I have talked this issue over with some of the other parents and have gotten a few pieces of advice.

 

- maybe look over the schedule and have more off days from karate (currently we wind up going on tues and thurs for regular classes and wed for tournament ones and the odd fri night for sparring). I am thinking my personal push to be better is putting too much of this on her.

 

- maybe since she is finding it harder to be top in her class she is having lower self esteem issues as far as her karate skill and spending 15 minutes at home just going over the basics to bring her skill up outside of class will snowball into her being prouder of her skills and add to the enjoyment

 

- don’t give her the option to quit, the general feeling is that she will regret it. I don’t know what to say to this idea. I don’t know of anyone that has quit MA and has said “quitting was the best thing I ever did”.

 

Has anyone faced this with their children? Any words of advice?

 

I really enjoy our Karate together.

[steveb]

My circumstances are similar to yours. I also used my kids interest in starting martial arts as an excuse to join myself. I also find myself much more interested in training than my children. However, I am lucky in that my children still enjoy classes which I think is because I don't make them go as often as I do. I have a little different situation in that our school offers classes and rankings in TKD, hapkido, and weapons separately. So what we do is for TKD we go to classes together and we only test when all 3 of us are ready so that we progress together and stay in the same classes. For weapons, I train about twice as often as they do and we test/progress at different times. I take hapkido but they do not. This way I can train as often as I want and they don't wind up getting burned out.

 

As for not letting them quit, I took MA for 2 years when I was a kid and then quit and I regretted it. That is why I take it much more seriously now and why I was glad to have the excuse to begin again.

 

I know this is running on, so I guess my suggestion is to try and keep them involved until their desire kicks in again, perhaps they are just feeling a little stale. Until then, keep your training going and maybe go without them from time to time.

[tommarker]

at her age, if she looks at it as something she "has" to do, it will become a lot less fun, and she'll just resent it.

 

let her do her thing. we get plenty of people who come to our school (at a university) who gave it up in middle school and high school who want to get back into things.

 

the martial arts won't go anywhere anytime soon, but she's going through an important time now too where she will want to do things on her own. leave the option to go always open and she'll respect that a lot more than anything else.

[Shorinryu Sensei]

Your daughter is at the stage where friends are going to be a big, if not THE biggest part of her life. This will continue through high school.

 

Forcing her to contine in the martial arts when she really doesn't want to will do nothing but give her resentment towards the art, and you for forcing her to continue.

 

Dad, I think you need to let her make her own decision...whether or not you like it. I've seen this in manyyoung girls over the years. They start out hot and heavy with training, but start to "burn out" after a while because it is taking time away from other aspects of her young life that she is putting more importance on...such as her friends.

[kempocos]

when my two, now 13 and 15 girls wanted to quit I only asked that they stop to do another activity. I had them speak to thier friends and find out what they all would want to do. this way they are with thier friends and still involoved in something. I still train and as it turns out my youngest is asking about starting again after about 1 1/2 years later.

 

You need to allow them to find thier " thing " I just made sure they were not quiting to just hang out.

[Kicks]

tommarker

 

Been there, done.. no, DOING that.

 

My daughter is also 11 years old, turns 12 next month (YIKES!!!). She's been exposed to TKD all her life and has been a student since she was four (informal classes). Her older brother and I had joined a few months after she was born and it's been a big part of her life.

 

I'm like you in that I have a higher set of standards for practicing and interest then all my kids. At least I think I do. My oldest son has quit (a few times). My other son is still active, when he can. He's also in high school band and the Boy Scouts. My daughter is involved in grade school band, cheerleaders, girl scouts, and alter servers. Oh, and they are in school too.

 

I don't want them to burn out on TKD, so I allow them to participate in other activities too. I think they do like TKD even though I sometimes don't think they do. It's hard to get them to tell me what they truely feel. It seems they realize how much I enjoy it and they don't want to hurt my feelings by saying otherwise. That's sweet, but I'd rather they be up front with me.

 

I let them make decisions about what they do when there is a conflict in schedules. For example, this weekend is a tournament. As much as I would like them to participate they have conflicts. They chose to do the other things. I feel if I force them to compete then they might really start to dislike TKD because it interferes with other fun things. Also, I don't want them fighting if they really don't want to be there. It could be dangerous.

 

Meanwhile I try to keep them interested by starting what I call 'side projects'. We'll train on our own to do something that no one else in the school is doing. Sometimes it's coming up with new sparring moves. Right now we are each learning a weapon, Shannon on nunchuks, Ross on Bo and me on sai. Our school isn't too big on weapons, so it will be neat to give a weapons demo at our school's next belt test. That will kind of make the kids feel special.

 

So, aes, there's no Official Parent's Guide to A martial Arts Child' (as far as I Know) so you just have to wing it. See what she likes about your MA and nurture it, encourage it without demanding it. Let her know you support her. Remember, she's almost at that rebellious age where they'll do the opposite of whatever you say, just for the sake of being rebellious and independent. So watch out how demanding you are.

 

Good luck!

Edited October 7, 2004 by Kicks

[tommarker]

I don't have an 11 year old... high school was not that fun for me

 

but I think aes knows you're talking to him.

[Shane]

I wouldnt try to force her to stay with the class, I would try a few different things to keep her interested but I'm sure you probably have already dont that. If she flat out wants to stop it, I would insist on her taking up another activity. I think its very important especially these days to have the our youth involved in positive activities.

 

GOOD LUCK

[Kicks]

tommarker...

I don't have an 11 year old...

 

Good catch...I've made the correction to my post. Now everybody will think you've been hit in the head one too many times!

[Dijita]

I don't think you should forcer your daughter to stay in it. She obviously doesn't share the same enthusiasm as yourself.

 

However I wouldn't just let her quit cold turkey. I like your idea of giving her the option to choose less classes to attend. Find out what she really enjoys about the classes and try to encourage that. Talking with the instructor can also be effective. If she really doesn't like the classes anymore, then it's probably time for her to leave.

 

If the only reason she wants to quit is because she is being made fun of at school, then there has to be a way to help her develop some integraty and realize that she doesn't have to do certain things to be "cool" or anything like that. I hate seeing kids get pushed around by their peers because they feel like they need to fit in.

 

I think the most important thing though, and it has been mentioned, is that if she does quit Karate make sure she gets invovled into something else.

 

Your daughter is growing and going through many changes, so perhaps Karate isn't her thing anymore, but as a father I think it is your job to introduce her into different activities. Sit down and talk with her, and try and find out what else she would like to try. At that age, kids are curious and they want to try many different things so it is often impossible to keep them focused on one thing unless they absolutely fall in love with it. Keep her involved in things and continue to be a part of her life and giving her options. Down the road she will thank you for it.