Conflicts and Resolutions - insert personal stories here

[White Warlock]

Since i've been haunting these forums, i've tossed out a few of my personal stories on conflicts and resolutions. I would like to hear personal stories from others in this community. Whether it ended up being resolved without a strike being thrown, or whether death ensued, i'm interested in not merely the story... but the lessons learned and the hindsight insight.

 

Thanks all, in advance, for contributing your personal stories to this thread. I will also add a few of mine that i have not yet posted, if people are interested.

 

Good community, thanks for sharing.

[delta1]

I've resolved quite a few conflicts by just keeping a level head and not backing down. I don't usually respond to their threats, insults, or accusations, unless they start to personalize things (one of the signs they are building rapidly to attack). Almost allways, if you are confident, but listen to their grievance and/or let them blow off steam, they will almost talk themselves down. This has almost allways worked for me, whether at work, in a position of authority, intervening for others, or handling people accosting me. Examples:

 

I was at one time in charge of maintenance crews in several large buildings. In the parking garage of one, I came on a man verbaly threatening a woman, who had (he said) cut her off. I steped in, confronted him, and told her to get in her car and leave. She started to explain her case to me, but I firmly told her to leave. I didn't interrupt his tirade, but made it very clear that he wasn't going to get to her except through me. He railed about how he was late for a meeting, she'd cut him off and made him later, and what he thought about rude people like her. I resisted telling him how rude he was, and how stupid (as he's getting later all the time, and his actions prevented her from getting out of his way sooner). But, there came a point where he figured these things out for himself- I could see it in his face. He calmed dopwn and left. Had he started to personalize things- blaming me for his problems- I might have steped in and warned him. But I could see his pressure droping and let him talk himself down.

 

In Detroit (on business) I was aproached by a member of a pretty shady group outside a fast food place. I didn't think I could get in my vehicle before he got there, so I emptied my hands and calmnly faced him. The group watched, and some of them split off and started to circle, as the one guy conducted the classic 'interview'. He asked if I had any money and watched for my reaction. I said yes, but that I needed what I had for my trip. He looked at me for a minute, then walked off. I'd shown him I was ready, and did not lie and say I was broke. And I didn't offer anything to get out of the spot. Neither did I provoke him. They apparently decided I wasn't worth the risk, and all got back together and returned to a dark part of the lot while I left (hopefully looking calmer than I felt). Awareness, preparedness, some knowlege of how these encounters worked, and at least an appearance of calm willingness to face them helped me out. I later went through this with someone who was very experienced with these things, and he told me it was the"classic interview", the phase where they size you up to see if you are a "mark".

 

Anpther time I was working on an exterior maintenance job downtown Spokane. It was late, and there were only a few people out and about. I witnessed an apparently wacked out man shouting at a decent looking woman (pretty obviouse they were not connected). He then crossed the street toward her, shouting obcenities. I got between them before he got there and told her to keep going and I'd try to handle him. She walked on quickly, and I stoped him. This time I was a little worried, and if he'd have made any moves I thought was even a little threatening, I'd have tried to hurt him quickly and badly. Unstable people like this are extremely unpredictable. But he blew off about how bad he was, said he'd killed a deputy just yesterday (which I knew had not happened), and crazy stuff like that. He eventually moved on, alternately muttering to himself and shouting back at me. Lessons, don't fight with a crazy person unlesss you have to. And get others out of the way so you don't have to worry about them. The lady did come back and thank me. My two chicken coworkers didn't say anything, but I know they were aware of what was happening, just didn't have the cojones to look around the corner.

 

The times I've actually gotten into a fight, I was often drunk or really angry and didn't use my head. I didn't start it, but I sure didn't try to avoid it either. And you can't allways avoid fighting, but often you can. These kinds of experiences are why I'm such a fan of reality, scenario based training where you learn to read the signs of imminent assault, and deescalation skills, as well as awareness. I've used these skills in EMS, with unballanced people and head injuries. I've used them in security work and in everyday life. They work. And I don't look at prevention as backing down or chickening out. It's just another type, or phase in the fight. If you can win it here, you're still the winner.

 

'Course, it helps you self confidence when trying to pull this off if you've done a little hard contact sparing and know you can handle yourself.

[busling]

What a great reply!

 

The only confrontation that I have been in was long before I started martial arts.

 

I was very drunk on Christmas Eve in a packed nightclub. I made a comment about a ladies top and kept on walking. Shortly I had a very angry and drunk boyfriend demanding to fight me. I had glasses on and he was yelling for me to take them off. I tried to apologise and resolve the issue, however he wanted blood and the people standing around us wanted a fight. I eventually took my glasses off and put up my dukes. He attacked and it all became a blurr. In short order I grabbed him and just smothered his punches. The bouncers came in and broke up the fight. The only damage to me was a ripped shirt, lucky he wasnt much of a fighter.

 

I didn't learn much from that, but I will think twice about commenting on a slutty womans top again.

[AngelaG]

I haven't ever really got in fights, but I have calmed down other people's situations. I had an ex-boyfriend who was very tall and very big built, he was also one of the biggest softies I had ever met. The poor bloke would get all the drunken louts at the end of the evening trying to pick fights with him, because they thought it would make them look hard fighting such a big bloke. Luckily I always managed to use humour to diffuse the situation, and 20 minutes later we'd all be shaking hands and saying that we should meet up for a drink next week.

 

My mates have also wound up situations in pubs, and I will either a) leave (it's not my problem and if they are stupid enough to wind up people they should deal with it, I don't want my face scarred), or b) Use humour to calm everything down or c) Start talking to the other person chattily, perhaps offer to buy them a drink or something.

 

The biggest way to prevent fights is the way you project yourself. there should be a certain self-confidence in the way you stand, and make eye contact, without coming across as arrogant asnd looking for a fight.

[delta1]

busling, thanks.I thought that would be better than bragging about my martial prowess like a keyboard commando. The hardest thing some of those guys do is hit the keyboard when they get excited by their own tale. And, honestly, I've never been the baddest thing out there.

My mates have also wound up situations in pubs, and I will either a) leave (it's not my problem and if they are stupid enough to wind up people they should deal with it, I don't want my face scarred), or b) Use humour to calm everything down or c) Start talking to the other person chattily, perhaps offer to buy them a drink or something.

 

Maybe it's a 'guy thing', but your 'mates' can get you in a lot of trouble. Especially in the military or some groups, you don't walk out on your buds when they are in trouble- even if they started it. You can allways throw them in the river or something later. In this case, prevention starts with picking your friends well.

 

Then there are the times when you are just the victim of circumstances. When I was in the service, I spent a tour with Hq, 5th Marines. The E-Club was in a Quonset across the street from our barracks (which was a good thing until it got closed). 2/5 was in cadre (deactivated status), 3/5 was full of a lot of old salts- most of them had done at least 1 tour in the Nam. 1/5 was being brought out of cadre, and so was being filled with a lot of 'Boots' (new people, fresh out of basic). Some unscrupupouse Jar-heads in my unit thought it was good entertainment to throw a beer bottle in through a window and yell "3/5 sucks!", or something similar. Then we'd sit on the porch and watch the show (and no, I never started the fight, or encouraged it). But a lot of people in there were definately victims of circumstances- mostly the 1/5 guys.

 

I have been in the middle of riots and situations similar to the above. Your best 'defense' there is preparedness, observation, and being alert. I've gotten out of situations simply because I looked around when entering a strange building and noted the layout. I looked for unlikely routes of escape, and when trouble started I immediately took 'evasive action' (ran like a dog).

The biggest way to prevent fights is the way you project yourself. there should be a certain self-confidence in the way you stand, and make eye contact, without coming across as arrogant asnd looking for a fight.

 

That is a true statement! Probably the best in this thread so far!

[sAtelitte]

Strange situation i got in a couple of weeks ago:

 

Went to a party in a neighberhood where there are always people looking for a fight. Normally that's not a problem if you got enough friends with you. But in this case it was just me and 8 other girls(i'm really not exaggerating here, couple of friends who brought their friends which made 8, the fact that it was just me and all those girls made me a little blind to the risk though ).

 

Anyway when the party was going and i was dancing on the dancefloor i suddenly feel en elbow hitting me hard in my back, i look back, see some tough guys standing behind me with their back towards me but they didn't react, they were just standing there. I ignored the whole thing and kept partying. 5minutes later same thing happens again, still with their backs towards me and acting like nothing happend. I realize i'm in trouble and started thinking that it might be time to leave dancefloor but before i do i get hit again and when i turn around these three guys about same age as me (21) are standing in front of me. The guy in the middle started yelling at me that i should stop pushing him or he'll smash my face into the bar (the exact words he used )

 

Normally i'm a quiet guy and i knew the smartest thing to do was to apoligize even tough it was he pushing me. But i didn't, instead i got angry at the guy and clearly told him it was he pushing me and not the other way around. This didn't help the situation of course and after some more argueing he suddenly stopped yelling and took a step back, i thought he was going to take a swing at me for sure(i was convinced from the first moment the guy start yelling at me that a fight was inevitable, knowing fights happen so frequently there). The strangest thing was that at this point he turned around and walked away...

 

I still don't understand what just happend then, he picked a fight with me (with no mates near me i was an easy target) and suddenly when the moment came to strike he walked away while he had two friends backing him up and i none. I'm not even sure who was the smartest guy in that situation either. Smart of him to leave and stupid of me not apoligizing. The only thing i concluded from this was that i'm never going out again with a bunch of girls without some mates who i can rely on, some of those girls i knew for years yet they didn't interfere when things went wrong. Making things worse was the fact that they're very attractive which caused some drunk guys to harrase them and i could then solve that problem getting me in more trouble.

 

Learned my lesson.....

 

Voila my biggest post yet hope you guys can make some sence of it cause english really isn't my best language.

[delta1]

sAtelitte, your English is fine. Sounds like you got lucky.

 

I'm not surprised the girls didn't step in, and you are lucky they didn't. If they aren't martial artists, they probably wouldn't be that much help, and usually will make things worse. First, because of their gender, the tough guys won't have the caution and will want to act tougher. Second, a lot of girls tend to push things a little more because their experience has been with guys that are reluctant to hit them. They aren't used to the types that have no respect for anyone, nor qualms about roughing them up.

 

I used to drink at the Double Clutch in Spokane. The city finally closed it down, but it was easily the roughest bar in the region in its' day. I once took a date there who was easily the most naieve girl in the region. Came back from the pit to find two of the biggest, ugliest guys in the place (if not the town) sitting at our table with her. I was pretty sure I was about to die! I was also sure that she was in a lot more trouble than she realized. I was trying to convince these two that she was with me, and they should consider looking elswhere. They were trying to convince me that I was the one that should go, and were being more successful at this than they realized. Then she started trying to intervene and placate everyone. I seriously considered taking her out before they took me! (Not really, but I was less than happy with her at this point.) Anyway, they eventually decided it wasn't worth the trouble (or they felt sorry for me, not sure which). I came to the same conclusion, and quit dating her- after rapidly slipping her out of there. Point is, this was my fault when you get down to it. I never should have taken her there! (need a dunce hat smiley here)

[shotochem]

My wife let me out a few years ago to go "out with the boys". (yes I begged and pleaded... ).

 

The classic situation where this big goon and I bump into each other and he bounces off of me and loses his glass. Well, he just starts yelling and getting bent out of shape and looking like he really wants to go at it. I just said loudly are you ok are you hurt!!! bartender quick get my friend over here another and one for the lady with him!!!

 

He starts to argue with me as I'm saying this and I don't let him get a word in I say but I insist it was completely my fault don't worry its a bar they won't run out. Let's watch the game and have a good time.

 

It turned out that I was loud enough to draw attention and he realized he would look like a total jack@ss in front of everyone he just sat down next to us and watched the game. Turns out he wasn't a bad guy just a little on the drunk side.

 

My friends asked me why I did not hit him when he came foward yelling at me. I said it wasn't necessary I'm a lover not a fighter.

 

(besides if I got arrested my wife would give me a beating worse than the guy in the bar!!! )

[SoonerJohn]

I'll just relate a few times I got my butt kicked.

 

When I was younger (18), some guys started flipping me and my two buddies off as we were driving. Getting a little upset I flew it back and told them to pull over.

 

I pull over and tell my two friends, "Lets go get em!" They looked back and said, "We don't want to fight them." Since I was already out of the car and they were coming upon me, I knew it was time for some negotiations. (3 of them)

 

I looked at them and said, "OK, who is first?" They replied, "All of us,(curse words)" It sucks my attempt to seperate them didn't work.

 

At this point I went after the closest guy and started punching. It didn't take long before I was hit hard in the side of my head. This dazed me and I somehow managed to keep my feet, but I was gone at this point.

 

Then my friends got out and started to help. One of the guys noticed this and went up to one of my buddies and asked him if he wanted any. He said no. When the guy turned back to help his friends, my buddy cold punched him hard knocking him down and out. Then my other buddy threw off the other two.

 

I got in the car and left with my buddies. I was beaten fairly good, but nothing too bad.

 

Another time, I was at a bar and some guy starts yelling at me. I was sitting down at the time and just gave him a "What are you talking about?" emulation. At this point he punched me hard. I was knocked out for a short time. He only hit me that one time before the bouncers showed up.

 

It took me a long time to learn anything from both of these experiences. One lesson reflected on is too not escalate situations just because of your pride. Another lesson is to be prepared too defend yourself if you can't de-escalate a situation.

[White Warlock]

Okay, and now for my only sound defeat... real, ring, or otherwise.

 

It was in high school. You know, when dinosaurs ruled the Earth? I was 16 and in the gym locker, a typical bad place to be when you're feeling cocky.

 

So, i just got out of the shower and i'm drying myself off, when i decided to do the shaggy dog routine of shaking my hair about. The guy behind me, who had always had an issue with me, told me off, in so many expletives. Feeling ornery, i turned around while saying, "well excuuuuse mee," at which point, i felt my jaw rock to the side.

 

I recovered immediately and stared at him, fire building in me. Then everyone started yelling to let me get dressed. Yeppers... i was standing there neked, holding a towel.

 

So, the guy gives the okay and i'm rushing to put my clothes on before my common sense overrides my adrenalin, and i get the shakes. But, i realized before i got much on, that my common sense was pretty quick... so i knew i had to go into the fight now... or i would talk myself out of it.

 

And so... i'm standing there barefoot, with an underwear, on wet tiles, and he's standing there, fully dressed, standing on a towel. Sure enough we both got in a few shots before i slipped, lost my balance, and then he kicked me twice in the face. Once again my nose was broken (it had been broken a few times in the past), and my head was spinning, so i went on defense, got up and retreated from the fight.

 

Morale of the story... choose your battlefields wisely.