emotionally safe

[gimgamgommetje]

I find it a bit hard to find the right words in English, but I'll try to make clear what I would like to discuss.

 

I've heard a lot of times about women and girls who quit a self defense class or martial arts class after 1 or 2 classes because they do not feel emotionally safe enough to join.

 

The biggest reasonI've heard so far is that martial arts ans martial arts instructors tend to be very physical. For example an instructor will easily grab an arm to put it in the right position etc.

 

For a lot of women it tends to be uncomfortablethat another man or woman touches them.

 

This can be the result of sexual abuse in the past, but does not necessarily have to be.

 

I think this is too bad because especially the most vulnerable women would benefit from martial arts or self defense training in my opnion.

 

Does anyone have experience with this issue either as an instructor or a student.

 

How can you create a training environment safe enough for them to join, but still train them effectively?

 

Lex

[delta1]

I've run across this problem when training Emergency Medical Services personnel. You deal with a lot of potentially very embarrassing contact and situations there. And, often it is the men who are uncomfortable with the contact in both training and in the field. My advice to everyone was allways proffessionalism and respect are the keys to handling this. If you are hesitant and embarrassed, so will the students or patients be embarrassed. If you are obviously lewd or intrusive without cause, they will obviously be uncomfortable. And when it comes down to it, there are some people that will never get used to this kind of intimate contact, and there isn't much you can do about. Everyone isn't cut out for EMS, or for martial arts. But you can't cheat everyone else for the sake of keeping a few students, who probably will not stay with it any how.

[ramymensa]

Sometimes is weird to have such contacts, but I think as long it's proffesional level, it's OK. If the instructor can gain your respect and trust you won't feel that embarassed. My instructor usually shows us how to correctly do the hip rotation and sometimes touch us on the waistline, but it's always so unsexual that I don't mind. When I have to help students I tend to avoid some areas, but I still touch them to show how it's done. You kinda feel when it's something more than that. I've never had this problem and it didn't happen in our class.

 

Keeping it civilised it's the key

 

When it can be avoided, don't touch, but if you must ... do it without any intention and any sane individual will see it's nothing behind this. Of course there are some people who see a sexual harasment in everything and they are hopeless

[gimgamgommetje]

I''m really not talking about very intimate type of touching but contact in general. The women i talked with did not feel they were touched with a sexual intend or even close to that.

 

They had a problem with the physdical aspect of the training when they don't know the instructor and other student.

 

I'm talking about very normal things like showing throws, touching an arm to put a guard in the right position etc. very normal things that people normally don't find offensive and is usually a normal thing in martial arts.

 

The problem is that a number of women are very sensitive to that subject.

 

For example I heard about a seld defense course in a care centre of some kind.

 

The instructors were a karate instructor and a judo instructor.

 

after 2 lesson 12 of the 14 students decided to quit and the self defense course was terminated.

 

The people this is about are extra sensitive and i think extra vulnerable. That's why I wonder if we could still teach them self defense.

 

I think most people who have a problem with the idea don't sign up on a karate or jiu jitsu etc. school.

[White Warlock]

Those having serious boundary issues should seek therapy from qualified psychologists. If they are unable to complete a martial arts course because they are incapable of handling contact or proximity, they will fare no better in the battlefield.

 

Only a handful of martial arts instructors also study psychology, and an even fewer amount have degrees in the subject. It is wholly unfair of these victims (for lack of a better word) to expect a resolution to their proximity phobias by entering a self-defense course. Even more unfair to blame the instructor. Granted, it would help significantly if an instructor could tell, just by looking, what students have these issues and which ones don't, but that is not only unrealistic, it is ridiculous.

 

Having said all that, here are some of my recommendations:

• 1. If advertising self-defense, include a questionairre 'on the flyer' that includes queries into phobias (proximity or otherwise). If you don't know, you can't possibly accommodate.
   
  2. Create a business relationship with a certified therapist (preferably one that accepts most HMOs and possibly even the local indigent medical coverage).
   
  3. Give each self-defense student a private 5 minute interview. Get to know them and let them get to know you. 30 students = 1 hour out of your life.
   
  4. Refer to the therapist those students with issues that are disruptive to their instruction. Allow the therapist to refer them out for further treatment, if necessary.
   
  5. Once you've referred them out to the therapist, wash your hands of the process. Constantly asking the student of their therapy sessions, or their progress, is not only intrusive... but personal (a whole other can of worms).
   
  6. If a student 'volunteers' to share with you, allow them to... but do not put on the therapist hat. Simply listen, and if the student becomes problematic with this, contact their therapist. I.e., don't get in the middle. Be aware of the differences between a self-defense course and that of a martial arts class, for it is huge.
   
  7. Do not single them out. This only exacerbates the issue and places a spotlight on their problem.
   
  8. For the self-defense course, spend the first month or two performing exercises that do not require physical contact (warm-ups, aerobics, yoga, breakfalls, rolls, drills, etc).
   
  9. Do your utmost to start out physical contact sessions by pairing sexes. I.e., men practicing with men, women with women. Later, once a degree of trust and relationships are built, mix them up... but don't force.
   
  10. In a self defense course it is very important to ensure each student feels in control of their learning experience:
  
  • a. Provide ample opportunity for them to practice aggressive training on dummies (no live dummies please *looks suspiciously at Michigan*).
     
    b. Allow them to decide who to partner up with.
     
    c. If someone doesn't have a partner, do not become their partner. Instead, create a 3-person partnership composed of other students.
     
    d. Pay attention to any 'tension' that may exist between students. Handle this with professionalism and do not force them to practice together. If necessary, mediate.
     
    e. Whenever possible, correct errors by demonstration, not by hands-on adjustments. I.e., learn mime.
     
    f. Give every student equal time in the classroom. Do not single out or find yourself a 'students pet.' Rumors can cause more damage to your classroom's stability and longevity than mere phobias.
     
    g. Accept the fact that not every student is going to perform up to your expectations. In a self-defense course, you are there to facilitate, not to coach for an upcoming competition.
     
    h. If you end up finding yourself attracted to a particular student and wish to approach them on a personal level, do so after your 'course' is ended (not class session, but the entire course). If you are too impatient to do this, then you need to get a grip on yourself, or quit teaching self-defense courses... because you're behaving like a predator, which is exactly what they don't want to be dealing with.

  11. Last comment, but it's an important one. Self defense courses are truly not about teaching someone how to fight. They are about removing fear. Help them to gain self-confidence and guide them to 'dealing' with their phobias. By gearing yourself to address fear as the primary goal of your course, you will have done far more than a lifetime of drills could have done for them.

[MichiganTKD]

Why you looking suspiciously at me? I've never advocated using someone as a punching bag.

 

Additionally, I would recommend using a female assistant (if available) to help position the students.

 

Barring that, I try also to guide students through techniques without physically touching as much as possible.

[koreauechi]

I agree with MTKD of the female assistant for working on women's self defense.

 

I use a 'dummy' for illustrations..that is a senior student, sometimes the woman assistant.

 

Too those who quit...well why did they take the course in the first place? They must have felt some need to.

 

If they are uncomfortable with the touchy, grabby....a short prep session explaining what will happen in the training session & what will happen on the street is in order.

 

You can't please everyone though...

[White Warlock]

Why you looking suspiciously at me? I've never advocated using someone as a punching bag.

just pestering you.

[MichiganTKD]

That's right, when you're on top of the mountain, everyone wants to push you off!

[White Warlock]

Ugh!