Support

[blitzcraig]

Now, I dont know if I should be sharring this with all you seeing as how I dont know you but....I could really use the support and comments now and I think if I get it off my chest I will feel better. My g/f and I had almost been together a year...march 2nd. Well, for the last 2 months there had been serious talk of marrige and she kept making cute little comments about our first christmas tree and stuff like that. Well, I asked her parents as well as mine and was about to buy the ring when she tells me she isnt ready for marrige and needs some time and wants to live alone for a while. Well, I was mad but ok with it. Then we were normal for awhile again well, last night I went to her house and she broke up with me. Her reasoning is is that she needs to be her own person and do her own thing. Shes been in relationships for the last 4 years and wants some time alone. I told her I dont smother her and I support her and let her do what ever she wants. So I dont quite get it. So any support or tips will help at this time. Thanks all.

[WolverineGuy]

Oy veh, that sucks man. Fact of the matter is, nothing you can do will change her mind; she has to change it herself. The best thing you can do (easier said than done) is try to move on as if it is totally over. Pining away over her isn't going to do either of you any good. Does that mean go out and start dating other people? Heck no, that would be foolish. Go out, have fun with your friends. If she wants to get together with you sometime, fantastic, but don't look into it any more than just a friendly get together. Its been my personal experience that you're just setting yourself up if you do that. Anyway, that's my two cents. Regardless, sorry to hear about your situation, hope it clears up to the best possible solution for both of you.

[Natural]

You are a great guy, not sure if I can help you but, try your best to get on with her, take her out every weekends, spent time together than later you can talk about marrige and she will be ready to accept, she is the type of girls that needs time, keep saying nice things, and get on with her.

 

Goodluck, also try to be supportive and make sure she can rely on you.

 

Goodluck, we all wants to help you in any situation, thats what this forum are for.

[monkeygirl]

Whoa whoa slow down a second...

 

It sounds to me like your girlfriend wants to get married but is afraid of commitment. Yes, it happens to girls too. The thought of sharing the rest of your life with only one person can be pretty scary. Maybe she just wants to relish a little alone time and bachelorettehood before marriage.

 

My opinion is that the best thing you can do is to give her some space and let her sort things out. Keep in touch with her family..if they like you, they'll keep you informed, so you can be there for her if necessary. Try to be as understanding as possible of her feelings. Even if you think you aren't smothering her (and maybe you aren't), she could steel feel overwhelmed.

 

It's a fine line: you don't want to smother her, but you also don't want to leave her completely alone.

 

I don't know your girlfriend, so I can't guarantee that this assessment is accurate. But in the end, if you two are really meant to be together, she'll come back. Just give it some time, and good luck!

[battousai16]

^what she said^, plus one more. i'd combine that with wolverineguy's "don't count on her coming back" spiel. hope for it, but my older sister put her life on hold for her ex boyfriend, and it was pretty miserable time for her (and for those she decided to take her grief out on, yeesh! ). and when it was decided that he wasn't coming back, she had to go through it all over again, because then it was in stone.

 

but don't take my words to seriously. i'm only 17, and would be an idiot to even pretend that i was in a serious and mature relationship sorry to hear about that though; best of luck to you.

[delta1]

blitz, you will get over it. But it is rough when you go through it. Go out, raise a little cain, get a little wild for a while, and forget her. Someone better will come along eventually. You'll probably look back on her fondly later on, but you'll be glad it didn't work out.

[monkeygirl]

but don't take my words to seriously. i'm only 17, and would be an idiot to even pretend that i was in a serious and mature relationship sorry to hear about that though; best of luck to you.

 

That reminds me...I took my age out of my sig. I'm 16, so I don't exactly have the standpoint of years of experience (I have some experience in the whole "waiting" area, although it obviously wasn't as serious as marriage). I was just trying to offer a feminine point of view.

[White Warlock]

Monkeygirl's assessment is pretty good. Lots of info not available, as always... but from what you've presented, it does sound like she's unwilling to marry you, for whatever reason. If she had no doubt, this would not happen, but doubt does seem to be there... and it's an ugly beast with long fangs and a hairy butt.

 

As hard as this may sound, you're likely not going to be able to salvage the relationship and like others have said, it sounds like a good idea to spend a lot of time outdoors and an opportune time to reestablish relationships with old friends (but be picky. Sometimes time and distance allows you to recognize those friendships that are unhealthy. No need to walk back into the mire).

 

The choice, in the end, is hers. She may be afraid of commitment, might have found herself interested in other men, or maybe she realized she doesn't see a future with you. I suppose the question is... did you see a future with her, or were you walking the steps into marriage because you figured that's what she wanted?

 

It is always possible... hell, even likely, you may have been giving signals to her that you really didn't want to marry her, or weren't ready for a commitment. It may have been subtle, or blunt... but partners are often very good at catching such signals, and if you're not committed, they're going to be looking to the door before you know it.

 

I suppose the scary part for many is, it may have been you that intentionally, if not subconsciously, ended the relationship. I know i ended quite a few that way, thinking 'woe is me' until i finally realized the common denominator. I wasn't ready and was intentionally jumping into relationships where the chips were stacked against longevity. Even helping with the outcome, by posing ever-so-subtle signals that i was not ready to commit.

 

Be careful though. If you find out it was you that posed the doubts in her mind... I would say leave it be. You weren't ready and messing with your 'superconscious' will only get you into a marriage you didn't really want. Trust in yourself and learn to understand 'how' you work.

 

Then again, maybe it's all on her end... or it was a mutual feeding of doubts. Really, not having been there... this is all but a silly little entry into 'what ifs.' And we all know how much of a waste of time that is.

 

In the end, i suppose i can only offer you some one-liners. C'est la vie. Move on with 'enjoying' your life and hold onto the good memories, but don't cling to them. There is past, present, and future. Where do you want to live?

[Sasori_Te]

Also, try looking at it in a little different light. This could have come up after you got married. Believe me, better now than later. It's still tough, but you'll get through it. Give her the space she wants. I wouldn't get into the habit of taking her out when she feels like it. That puts you in a worse position than you're in now if it still doesn't work out. Keep your dignity and your distance and enjoy your other friends. Good luck to you.

[blitzcraig]

Wow, thanks for all the responces. Yea, I understand that I will be hard. I mean...im 20, I dont need to worry about it all that much. Just the 2 days afterwards sucked. But i've talked with a few friends and stuff and things seem to be working out. I went over to her house last night and we just talked and had fun like friends and nothing about our relationship even came up. We talked more last night broken up then we had in quite awhile together. So maybe she is more of a friend than anything else...and maybe I need someone who's more out going and understanding of there life and just try to keep the x as a friend. Thanks again.