Attitude problem.. I think

[TheDevilAside]

Well, I don't really know how to start, I suppose I'll just pose my problem to you and then give some background information.

 

Anyone seen the movie Fight Club? Well, if you have not, there is this scene where the two main characters walk into a bus, and one of them has this dialogue of what he is thinking, and he says something along the lines of "everywhere we went, we were sizing things up." And that is exactly the problem I have. Now, I've always been like this, just it's worsened since the 5 months I've invested into American Kenpo. I have a gigantic ego, I suppose. I always try to "size things up", always with someone I perceive to be stronger and more capable, which gets me into a lot of trouble. Even though I am quite insecure about myself (obviosly, secure people don't compare themselves to others) I have this way of displaying complete confidence in everything, sometimes arrogance.

 

I have just turned 16 years old, I'm 6' and weigh around 170 lbs (last time I checked was 8 months ago, I probably weigh more now). I don't have any "social problems" I get along with everyone just fine and I have more than enough friends. The only problem is, to put it simply, I start sh** with every tough guy I know and I either come out on top or on my knees.

 

I don't get it, how do you guys do it? Usually there's just small things that act as catalysts that cause me to react to situation this way. But, I never understood how, whenever someone would threaten you, such as "You want me to kick your *?", how you could just... ignore that, and face the fact that they're not worth your time.

 

So, my question really is, shouldn't training in martial arts make you more self-disciplined? Take away the urge to fight? :/ I don't know, I suppose I have pride issues (though, I'm a nice guy, don't worry ). But, I know it's just me, not my school... they don't reccomend starting fights, oh well. Just give me your opinion or some personal experiences you have had.

[karatekid1975]

Don't underestimate someone smaller or bigger. They just might be better than you. They might just beat you at your own game.

 

Like my nephew, I signed him up for lessons. When he got to green belt, he wanted to spar me. Because he is bigger, he thought he would win. That wasn't the case. I'm smaller and less stronger, but he was unaware of my previous training (before this school). Maybe it was an unfair advantage, but he lost. He knew it.

 

Also, when people (outside of MA) run their mouth, let them. I just blow them off. I have good self control. They don't bother me. MA should have taught you that. I'm not saying you are a bad person, but you have to let people like that not bother you. They have something to prove, you shouldn't have (since you do MA). You know you can fight, but save it for when it is needed (self defense related situations).

[granmasterchen]

you are young and still learning grasshopper

 

I was similar to you in my younger days, i would get in fights all the time due to pride issues , i would never let any one challenge me in any way and get away with it. The tougher and stronger i got the worse i became, until one day in meditation i learned the inner meaning.....humility.....you have to let these small inconveniences slide by...true control doesn't mean that i can throw a fist so close to your face that i can move your nose hair or to know when to only break an arm or to kill, true control is to ignore the taunts of simpletons that are not wise enought to chose a path toward a higher perpose like true martial artists. In martial arts we struggle to reach the higher level of balance we have power but if we exploit that power we give into tyranny, we must be humble not prideful, you can have pride but dont start things, have pride in yourself and your control, and keep it in your head, beeing humble is not flaunting your skill to everyone and their cousins....we must stay back and observe, and hope for the best yet expect the worse . Be aware and ready yet dont act unless it is truely necessary.

 

The only thing that you are proving now is that you may be stronger or tougher physically, but in the martial arts that is only the start of our training, the start of our long path to enlightenment. When you ignore and blow off the fool that is trash talking you raise above the level of the barbaric tendancies that live in all of us, we become more civilized and can evolve our mind and awareness our understandings of life and truely win these battles, if we keep fighting when it is not necessary we just prove that we are primitive barbarians who are stronger....which is nothing, what is something however is the power of our patience and mind, the ability to conquer our normal human limitations....sorry if i am getting too deep philosophically here, but that is my two cents my friend. I hope that something that i have wrote sticks with all that read it and that we can all truelly grow together as martial artists not just fighters.

[Sasori_Te]

GMC has a point. You are still young, and your hormones are more in control than your brain. I take it that your instructor doesn't know about these confrontations that you've been having. Don't take this the wrong way but you are the boy that still needs to become the man. We all go through this stage in some form or other. You need to try and actually think before you act the next time a situation comes up. Think, "What is this going to accomplish if I do this?" I can't think of a single positive thing that comes from beating someone up in a fight. Here I am talking about fights that can be walked away from and not true self defense situations. It's hard being young and having so much pressure from your friends. You feel like all eyes are on you when a challenge comes along, when in reality 5 minutes after it's over you're either hurt or in trouble and everyone else is wondering what's for lunch. Self control and self respect is the name of the game at this point. Good luck.

[Tal]

I've been there. I used to get into a lot of fights, and I enjoyed fighting. Adrenaline kicks *. When I was your age, I did exactly the same thing. If someone start trash-talking me I'd be in their face in no time.

 

Don't worry about it. You're young and you've got shed loads of hormones whizzing around you. You'll grow out of it in time.

 

However, you must still be wary. One day, you might 'start sh**' with some guy who has a knife - or a gun. This is basically how I learned to control myself. An old friend of mine once got trashed talked by this random guy in a bar, my friend stepped up to him and trash talked the guy back. The guy pulled a knife and slashed my friend's neck. He was very lucky to survive. Since then I just assumed everyone had a concealed knife or a gun, and they were willing to kill me. Once you have that mindset, you'll think twice about starting sh** with people.

[aefibird]

If you wanna try and stop yourself from getting into fights with other people, away from the dojo, then try and avoid going to the places where 'starting sh**' might happen. As Tal said, it's all very well getting into fights with an unarmed guy but what if that guy (or his bunch of mates) have knives or guns?

 

If you know that everywhere you go you try and "size things up", then at least you recognise you have a problem with your attitiude and need to fix it. You need to try start going to places and stop looking at everyone as though you'd rather kick their a$s than anything else in the world.

 

Maybe you could have a word with your sensei or another respoinsible adult you know? Explain to them your situation and tell them you wanna change your attitude. You're only 16, so you need to start growing up a bit and working on trying to avoid confrontation, rather than looking for it and enjoying it.

[Rich67]

I used to be the same way. It's all about your age, bro. It'll change when you get older. You have already recognized this, so it'll make the transition easier. It never goes away entirely, you still do it when you get older (I find I still do it), but you can keep it in check better. I look at it this way: I have no problem with anyone unless they screw with me directly or my family (and a "hard look" isn't a reason to think someone is screwing with me). I never let my guard down, I am always alert... I just don't size people up in the sense of: "I can take that guy", or "he looks like a wuss" for no reason whatsoever. However, if it comes to personal/family attacks done by that person, I have the attitude "I WILL NOT lose to this guy". Regardless of how tough he may be. Bottom line is, you are still a minor, and getting into fights at 16 doesn't have the same repercussions as if you are over 18. Then the threat of jail time, a criminal record (although you can still get that as a minor) and fines puts a damper on your attitude. Spend a night in a county jail for battery and your attitude can change pretty quick.

 

All this can be a positive, though... the UFC/K1/ Pride are always looking for guys who are not afraid to scrap. But there always has to be respect. That's where the martial arts can teach that finer point of fighting. You seem pretty articulate and intelligent. Use that to your advantage, and be humble yet deadly. You'll get more respect from your peers that way.

[TheDevilAside]

Thank you for the replies, everyone. I figure, around half of a year ago or so, I went on a "self-imrpovement, become the perfect person" ego trip. I was tired of having average achievements and just being considered to be a "regular person". So, I started working out like nuts, I joined martial arts, and practiced my artistic skills (I would write short stories, songs, and draw constantly, just for the sake of improving my artistic skills). So, I guess, it got to my head, and I became arrogant. Anyway, yes, I realize exactly what all of my faults are... which I'm extremely grateful for, I'd rather be arrogant and enlightened to that fact, than both arrogant and ignorant.

 

I should start trying to be "humble yet deadly", this power trip has only gotten me into trouble anyway.

 

But, atleast, I've improved myself in other aspects. I'm more confident, a more skilled fighter, stronger, and actually quite the artist and I forced myself into an academic program called "IB" (International Becceauloreatte, man, I don't even know how to spell it) which is basically like having all of your classes slightly harder than AP/Honors. And my semester GPA was a 3.7 Compared to my usual 2.3's, that ain't too bad. And, yeah, my being "articulate" is a show.. normally I'm like, dude.. and like.. I talk all... like, cool, and stuff.

 

Hm, the thought for another topic for a read just entered my mind, I'll go write it up.

 

Thank you all, once again.

[TheDevilAside]

Haha, I remember I ever started listening to classical music, such as, Johann Sebastian Bach, Amadeus Mozart, and Ludwig von Beethoven, and others, just so I could talk about classical music, just incase. Now, I actually like listening to it. I'm weird.

[krunchyfrogg]

However, you must still be wary. One day, you might 'start sh**' with some guy who has a knife - or a gun. This is basically how I learned to control myself. An old friend of mine once got trashed talked by this random guy in a bar, my friend stepped up to him and trash talked the guy back. The guy pulled a knife and slashed my friend's neck. He was very lucky to survive. Since then I just assumed everyone had a concealed knife or a gun, and they were willing to kill me. Once you have that mindset, you'll think twice about starting sh** with people.

 

I've been lucky enough to have never been in your friends situation. I'm quoting this because it's the best advice, IMHO.