Alternate versions of the night before Christmas

[SaiFightsMS]

Twas the night before Christmas,

 

and all thru the nest

 

not a creature was stirring,

 

'cept Arthur the pest.

 

The support stockings were hung

 

by the chimney with care,

 

In hopes that the laundress

 

would soon be there.

 

The children were nestled

 

all snug in their beds.

 

While visions of Play Stations

 

danced in their heads.

 

Wearing my splints

 

With a rice sock in my lap

 

I had just settled down

 

for a long winters nap.

 

When in my joints

 

there arose such pain,

 

I limped from the bed

 

to see if there was rain.

 

The moon on the breast

 

of the unshovled snow

 

Gave a luster of midday

 

to the objects below.

 

When what to my dry eyes

 

should appear,

 

but a minature medical supply truck

 

and eight tiny reindeer

 

With a little old driver

 

so lively and quick

 

I knew in a moment that my HMO

 

would not pay for this!

 

More rapid than eagles

 

his assistants they came.

 

He whistled and shouted,

 

And called them by name.

 

"Now, Dasher, now Dancer!

 

now Prancer and Vixen!

 

On Comet, on Cupid,

 

on Donder and Blitzen!!!

 

To the top of the porch,

 

to the top of the wall!

 

Now dash away dash away,

 

dash away all."

 

As the piles of unraked leaves

 

that before the wild hurricaine fly,

 

When they meet with an obstacle,

 

mount to the sky.

 

So up to the house top,

 

the assistants they flew,

 

with the truck full of adaptive equipment,

 

and the Doctor Nick too.

 

And in a twinkling

 

I heard (rather boring)

 

the wheezing and blowing

 

of my husbands snoring.

 

As I pulled up his covers

 

And patted his head

 

Down the chimney Dr. Nick

 

Came with a new med.

 

He was dressed all in white,

 

from his head to his foot.

 

His clothes were all covered

 

in ashes and soot.

 

A bundle of supplies

 

he had flung on his back.

 

He looked like a peddler

 

just opening his sack.

 

My hands how they hurt,

 

my knees how they ache

 

I knew that some people

 

thought I was fake.

 

My Methotexate injection

 

was drawn up in the den.

 

Just waiting for the nerve

 

to go stick it in.

 

The cap of the needle

 

I held tight in my teeth,

 

the RA fog

 

circled in my head like a wreath.

 

I looked at my thigh,

 

(I shouldnt have eaten that jelly!)

 

Then said " What the hell"

 

And injected my belly

 

I am chubby and plump.

 

Like a prednisone Elf

 

Nick laughed when he saw me,

 

In spite of his self.

 

A wink of his eye and

 

a twist of his head,

 

soon gave me to know

 

I had nothing to dread.

 

He wasted no time,

 

went straight to his work.

 

Gathered up all my meds,

 

then turned with a jerk.

 

He reached into his bag

 

and pulled out a new pill.

 

And put it in my mouth,

 

I felt such a thrill.

 

I sprang to my feet,

 

there was no more swelling.

 

I danced and jumped

 

Woke everyone up with my yelling.

 

I heard him exclaim

 

as he drove out of sight.

 

"Merry Christmas to all,

 

theres a cure tonight"

[SaiFightsMS]

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the park

 

Not a ride was left stirring, once DL got dark;

 

The people were wandering through shops in dispair,

 

In hopes that Walt's spirit soon would be there;

 

The children refused to go home to their beds,

 

'Cause visions of Mickey Mouse danced in their heads;

 

And Paul in his office, that wonderful chap,

 

Was tired of "planning" so took a long nap,

 

When down in the hub there arose such a clatter,

 

I ran down Main Street to see what was the matter.

 

Away to the center I flew like a flash,

 

Tore through all the shoppers who had spent lots of cash.

 

The moon on the Partners had made quite a glow,

 

Giving feelings of magic to ADDers below,

 

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

 

But a world-famous mouse, and the man he held dear,

 

With a sudden slight movement, that never did halt,

 

I knew in a moment it really was Walt!

 

More rapid than eagles the ADDers they came,

 

And he giggled, and shouted, and called them by name;

 

"Now, PAWSHA! now, CANDER! now, TODDSTER and LIVER!

 

On, WINGERT! on GASSER! on, HIPSTERS and FRITTER!

 

To the edge of the berm! To the underground hall!

 

Let's drive away! drive away! Drive away Paul!!!!"

 

Now meeting our icon who'd just come alive,

 

We'd meet any obstacle, together we'd strive,

 

So up to the office the ADDers they flew,

 

With a dumpster for plush, and Walt Disney too.

 

And then, in a instant, Paul heard a few squeaks,

 

And the chanting and and singing of internet geeks.

 

With my ears on my head, I was turning around,

 

And into the window Walt came with a bound.

 

He appeared quite alive, from his head to his feet,

 

And his clothes were distinguished, his suit very neat;

 

A bundle of plush he had flung on his back,

 

And he looked right at Pressler then opened the sack.

 

Paul's eyes -- how they wrinkled! his face looked so scary!

 

His skin had turned ghostly, but blushed like a cherry!

 

He stared right at Walt who stood in the dark,

 

And he felt a bit guilty for ruining the park;

 

A handful of plush Walt held in his hand,

 

Then tossed it at Paul and said "Please understand;

 

Building this park was so dear to myheart,

 

But you've turned the thing into an ODV cart."

 

He said all the things we'd been longing to say,

 

And all of the things City Hall turned away;

 

A wink of his eye and a twist of a smile,

 

Soon gave me to know he would stay for a while;

 

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

 

And filled all our wishes by firing that jerk,

 

He filled a large dumpster in quite a big rush,

 

And out with the garbage, Paul went with the plush;

 

Walt went to his Firehouse, to rest for the night,

 

And felt so at home 'cause we'd left on the light.

 

But I heard him exclaim, to the ADDers and all,

 

"THE MAGIC IS BACK, AND WE GOT RID OF PAUL!"

[SaiFightsMS]

'Twas the night before Christmas in Keanuville;

 

The mouse stopped its stirring (by Canicula killed).

 

Our stockings were hung by our chimneys with care;

 

(But Marlon had worn his - hence, the stink in the air.)

 

Our citizens were nestled all snug in their beds,

 

While visions of "Matrix" danced in their heads.

 

But the Mayor in his wool cap, and I in my curlers,

 

Now stood at the window and looked out for burglars.

 

"I heard," the mayor told me, "a terrible clatter,

 

And sprang from my bed to see what was the matter."

 

That's when he awoke me, to help him stand guard,

 

So with him, I (the marshall) gazed down on the yard.

 

No moon in ninety-seven, so the new-fallen snow

 

From streetlights and shop fronts derived its pale glow,

 

When, what to our half-open eyes should appear,

 

But a large hovercraft pulled by eight big reindeer.

 

From skyways it came, and there settled right down,

 

In the mayor's front yard, waking up half the town.

 

We saw Auntie, kimbo, Cherie, Lilith, R-u-o-k,

 

LIV, Joodash, Kimmers, Dana, Joey, Tara, Julie and J ...

 

Half asleep they staggered out from their 2 a.m. beds

 

(like a Christmas Eve 'Night of the Living Dead')

 

To see a crazy old driver dressed in red like Old Nick;

 

"But too fat for Pacino," the mayor spoke up right quick.

 

'Now TRAVEN! now, JJAKS! now, DON JOHN and SCOTTY!

 

On, RUPERT! on KEVIN! on, BUDDHA and JOHNNY!

 

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

 

Now book it, my reindeer, and dash away all!'

 

By now all Keanuville was awake and outside,

 

Watching craft and the reindeer up the mayor's house glide,

 

And up there on the rooftop the fat boy went 'CLUMP'

 

As confused little Marlon yelled, "Oh no! Don't jump!"

 

The townsfolk rushed inside like bees in a swarm,

 

And joined us at the fireplace where they could get warm;

 

But with embers now flying, and a sudden big crash,

 

Down the chimney that fat boy fell right on his ash!

 

Unburned, he stood before us, as Nia said, "Grrr!

 

That suit that you're wearing better not be real fur!"

 

A bundle of packages he had flung on his back,

 

And he looked like a mailman just opening his sack.

 

His eyes -- looked familiar! his laughlines how merry!

 

His cheeks, rather hollow, his cold nose, a cherry!

 

His blue little mouth from the frigid exposure

 

Blew the Mayor a kiss from its white-bearded closure.

 

A Cuban cigar he held tight in his teeth,

 

And the smoke encircled his head like a wreath;

 

And we knew who he was underneath the fake padding,

 

But the name wouldn't come - oh, darn it, how madding!

 

"And who are you?" the mayor asked, without taking a pause;

 

"At your service," the answer, "I'm called Santa Claus."

 

Just then stepped up Ted, who stood tall and stiff,

 

And looked at the stranger and laughed, "Yeah! As if."

 

"But look!" spoke this Santa, as he opened his pack,

 

And out came Twister, Battleship, more games from his sack.

 

"And see, I brought chess, Super Mario Brothers,

 

Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly, and all kinds of others!"

 

"OK! The real Santa's drunk," he 'fessed up with a sigh.

 

"I played Match the Bourbons with him, but he didn't die."

 

From his belt came a trilling as he said, "Oops, my beeper!

 

Gotta go, but anyway, merry Christmas from the Reaper!"

[SaiFightsMS]

Twas a Negaverse Christmas and all through the land,

 

Not an evil thing stirred, like a dead bird in your hand.

 

Crystals were hung by the chimney with care,

 

In hopes that energy would be collected there.

 

The youma were nestled all snug in their beds,

 

As visions of energy danced in their heads.

 

And Zoisite and Malachite, as you might suspect,

 

Had just settled down for a long winter's neck.<^_^>

 

When out in the throne room, there arose such a clatter,

 

Zoey sprang from his lap to see what was the matter.

 

Malachite soon followed, quick as a flash,

 

Angry enough to turn someone into a fine hash.

 

The energy from the dais lent a dim glow,

 

And barely shed light on what happened below.

 

When what to the generals' wondering eyes should appear,

 

But a quite drunken Beryl, and a keg full of beer!

 

With sleight of hand so cunning, so slick,

 

She produced Tuxedo Mask, whippity quick!

 

More rapid than racehorses, she spoke gibberish:

 

"We've beaten the Scouts! They had a death wish!

 

I've invited all our friends who aided the fight,

 

To all come and join us this fine Christmas night!

 

There's Galaxia, and Fish-Eye, we've got them all!

 

So come on, get busy, we'll have a big ball!"

 

As hungry cats set before roomfuls of mice,

 

They came: didn't have to tell them twice!

 

To the middle of the bash, the generals they flew,

 

Zoisite, Malachite, Jedite, and yes, Neflyte too!

 

Then, they all saw it, by the great hand of Fortuna,

 

The graces had granted them Sailor Scouts and Luna

 

They all fainted quickly and by the time they came around,

 

Their poor ears were ringing with a terrible sound.

 

Beryl had started cheers and was refilling her stein,

 

When, from above, there came a moon's shine.

 

The villains collectively gasped and began to hack,

 

But Zirconia went further and had a cardiac!

 

The light: how it twinkled,

 

It fostered despair

 

In the hearts of the villains

 

Who all gathered there.

 

It was the Moon Princess, with her heart and her wands,

 

Who had come to liberate Sailor Scouts from their bonds.

 

She raised her Moon Wand, and in a voice loud and clear,

 

Yelled, "No Negaverse Christmas this year!"

 

The villains were worried and they vocalized their peril

 

For the Negaverse and for the life of Queen Beryl.

 

"Cosmic Moon Power!" Serenity shouted, sans fear.

 

And the glimmer of death came uncomfortably near,

 

But the inebriate Beryl, she lost drunken awe

 

And without missing a beat, she began to withdraw

 

The most evil weapon; one might say "It rocked!",

 

An M-16 rifle, fully loaded and cocked.

 

She emptied a magazine into the air,

 

And some of it took off the long, pigtailed hair

 

Of the Moon Princess as she fell with a thud,

 

Into a pool of her own lunar blood.

 

The Queen dropped the rifle and held out her hand.

 

The Crescent Moon Wand came to her on command.

 

The youma rejoiced and began to giggle and titter

 

As the Silver Imperium Crystal began to glitter.

 

We heard Beryl exclaim as they fade from our sight:

 

"Merry Christmas to all! Earth will be ours by moonlight!"

[SaiFightsMS]

"Twas the night before conquest when all through the house

 

Every cavy was stirring, though quiet as a mouse

 

The plutonium was stowed under the shavings with care

 

For the Galaxian Council soon would be there.

 

The humans were nestled all snug in their beds,

 

Unaware of the guinea pig inspired dread.

 

And mom in her kerchief and I in my cap,

 

Had just settled down for a mid-solstice nap.

 

When out of the cages arose such a clatter

 

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

 

The ammonia clouds rose up, and then came a flash.

 

Their biological weapons soon caused me to gasp

 

The glow of the mother-ship on the fresh-fallen snow,

 

Gave a nuclear luster to objects below.

 

When, what to my watering eyes should appear,

 

But Reggie (the veggie) in full combat gear

 

With an ancient old cavy, so lively and quick,

 

I knew what was happening. It was making me sick.

 

More rapid then eagles the onslaught it came

 

They whistled and wheeped and took control of my brain.

 

Now agoutis, and short-haired, and silky satins

 

Wavy rexes and shelties, Abyssinian assassins.

 

To the top of the cage, to the neighborhood mall

 

Now conquer the humans and send out the call!

 

As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,

 

Our minds were no match, our brains would just fry.

 

Through phone lines and internet the great wheeping grew

 

We tried to resist - but what could we do?

 

And then with a rumble, I heard through the door

 

It was Reggie (the veggie) the most ancient of boars

 

As I drew back in fright and crouched close to the ground

 

Down the hallway the guinea pigs came with a bound

 

They were covered with fur from their heads to their feet

 

And, with parsley-scented breath, demanded something to eat.

 

I cast down a handful of Timothy Hay

 

And shook plastic bags to keep them at bay.

 

They drew back bewildered and for a moment did tarry.

 

Was this my escape from these overlords, hairy?

 

I got ready to run from the Galaxian glow

 

But there were so many, there was nowhere to go.

 

A stump of alfalfa Reggie held in his teeth,

 

The nuclear glow encircled his head like a wreath.

 

He had a red furry face and a little round belly

 

That knew well the joys of a vegetable deli.

 

He was chubby and plump and in excellent health

 

And I crumbled before him in spite of myself.

 

With a high wheeping cry and a twist of his head

 

Soon gave us to know we had much we should dread.

 

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work

 

And I, frozen before Reggie, felt like a jerk.

 

And stretching before him his odd shap-ed toes

 

Reggie (the veggie) to the mother-ship rose

 

He scanned the whole world, to his team gave a whistle

 

To their fresh conquered homes they flew like the down on a thistle

 

But Reggie exclaimed as he flew out of sight,

 

"We are your new overlords, we conquered you tonight!"

[SaiFightsMS]

ALternate versions courtesy of

 

http://jjorg.chem.unc.edu/personal/monroe/twas/twasall3.html#TwasAltReligionBuddhism1.txt