kingebret

You may be right, in general, about people/parents being overprotective and shielding kids from disappointments and failures. There's been a lot written in the media about this--they call them "helicopter parents" (hovering too much). It gets ridiculous, continuing even when the kids are in college and calling Mom and Dad on the cell phone all the time to talk about "unfair" grades they received (!). (Grades that the student received, not the parent, that is.) However, we sure haven't shielded our daughter. She lost her only sibling 5 years ago, when he was 5 months old and passed away suddenly and unexpectedly from SIDS. A 9-year-old is too old to be oblivious to that, and is very aware of what happened and the effect it has on her family. We enrolled our daughter in TKD 6 months after our son's death, hoping it would be a healing thing for her (and, largely, I think it has been); I miscarried a month after she started TKD. That was the end of our hopes to have another child. (My daughter was, again, aware of the miscarriage--there was no way to hide it.) So, I think it's safe to say we haven't been one of the overly shielding families. Maybe because our daughter has had more than her share of hard knocks already, I try to be aware of when a huge hurt might be looming and do my best to prepare her or help her do what she can to mitigate it while there's still time. In this case I failed. I was blindsided just as much as my daughter was. (Yes, I already know that "you can't shield them from everything," but this particular disappointment was in the category of something I thought I could shield her from or lessen the blow of, by paying careful attention and making sure I understood whether her studio felt she was ready to test.] Our studio does teach curriculum beyond 1st degree. But since I realize I won't earn my black belt, I can see that I'm going to be stuck at brown or novice black level indefinitely. I can't see how the instructors could teach me the advanced forms and other material if I haven't earned the advanced belt; it wouldn't be right. That makes sense to me. The part of TKD I have liked best is accomplishing things, improving at things. There's been a lot of joy for me. But I can see that joy disappearing as I approach black belt. The focus is shifting from what I can do to what I can't do. I'm embarrassed that I can't do better and feel like I ought to apologize that I'm not getting into better condition as I proceed. But this is who I am and these are the limitations of my body. Sometimes I think that people who are fit can't understand why those who aren't fit can't do some things, or find them much harder. Unless you've had to do it yourself, you really can't imagine it. Anyway, it would be nice to have a sport I could continue, where the joy and pride and new challenges would continue too. Maybe I'll find it.

Thanks for your response, BMW. I think you hit on a very important point. Ten kids from my daughter's class tested together. They'd worked intensively for months (having been split aside from the rest of their advanced class), done several "boot camps" together, taken (and passed) the pre-test together (without which they would not have been allowed to take the final exam), and taken the final exam together. They were like family. It was hard for *everyone* when two students did not pass. The failing students and parents were devastated; their instructors were devastated; the students who *did* pass were devastated. They felt really bad for their friends; some were nearly in tears, while others were just bewildered. (We had planned to celebrate with one family right afterward; of course, that didn't happen--my daughter was too shook-up and wanted to go home, and so did I. The other failing student wasn't so lucky; he was forced to go out and "celebrate" because his mother had also tested that day--and she had passed--and they had out-of-state relatives who had come to watch the exam and have dinner out with them.) Parents of other students had tears in their eyes too. And instead of the successful students being awarded their belts at the end of the test, they were just sent home (out of courtesy for the students who had not passed--there were others besides the two at our school). Our studios generally do *not* send kids to black belt testing until they are confident that the kids are ready to pass. Our school holds pre-tests for that reason. But we can't control the voting of the other judges on the panel, and in this case I guess that some of the other judges didn't agree that two of our students were ready to pass. (I guess the same thing happened with some of the students from the other schools.) As you said, my daughter would have preferred to have gone to a tournament and gotten "popped" repeatedly, or been scored in an Olympic competition, rather than failed among her peers and never told why. The subjectivity of the judging, combined with the secrecy of the results, make a failure harder for a young person to understand, especially when it comes in a group testing setting with peers with whom you have become a very tight unit. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

This is where it gets hard for me to understand. My daughter thinks she's doing things correctly (and technically she appears to be doing so), so it's hard for her to "do it on her own" to make the changes that will take her to the next level. This is where she needs the help of her instructors. So when I say I guess I will have to trust that her instructors will help her to "fix" what needs fixing, what I guess I'm saying is that I hope they'll do a better job than they did in the months leading up to the first exam, when they (as they admitted themselves) seemingly didn't accurately assess her readiness to test and didn't see her weaknesses, probably due to bias because they are fond of her and know how far she's come. I've heard this saying about the 'journey, not the belt' a number of times. As an adult I understand what's meant (although personally I think it's about both, not just the journey--if the belt meant nothing, then there would be no belt). But I don't think children understand this. Kids need something more tangible. Their grasp of abstracts isn't as good as adults.' And since their concept of the passage of time isn't the same as an adult's, they especially need the colored belts to mark their progression. Just telling them they were on a lifetime journey wouldn't work for a lot of them, IMHO. But if it's a craving, that's different from a journey. And I don't entirely see the distinction between a craving and a lure, myself. A lure is a goal, in another wrapper; it's a matter of semantics. But lures, goals, cravings, things we strive for, things we yearn for--those all seem different to me from a journey. I probably wasn't clear. When I said I would never look like a black belt, I didn't mean in terms of body shape or profile. I mean it more generally. In class I get short of breath extremely quickly and get overheated just as fast. The lack of endurance hasn't gotten any better in the 2.5 years I've been training. I can't perform to the fullest because of the exhaustion. I'm sure it's largely due to the extra 40 pounds on my small frame, along with health issues. It's unlikely any of those will change, much as I'd like them to--autoimmune problems present some limits. It's been great being able to share in my daughter's pursuit of martial arts for this long, and I'll keep it up for as long as I can. But I can foresee hitting the wall before too long. Realistically in my condition I'd never pass a black belt exam, and I don't think I will want to practice the same forms and combinations for the rest of my life--just think of never learning anything new. I'd rather pursue a new sport or other interest if that's the case. I'm nearly 50; I'm feeling old enough that what's left of my life is starting to seem especially precious to me. I guess that's mortality. People keep telling me that getting a black belt isn't easy, and that if it was easy everyone would have one and they would mean nothing. I never said it was easy! No one who's taken more than a month of martial arts classes would be under the illusion that it's easy. I'm well aware of how difficult it is. It's just that now I'm seeing that for some people it's impossible. That's discouraging. And for others it requires more than they can give, which is almost as discouraging. To expect a child to make a lifetime commitment to TKD is, IMO, too much to ask. (And yet people criticize me for wanting to allow my daughter to take "a break" after attaining her black belt, if she ever gets it.) Sorry to go on and on, but I'm trying to figure out how to frame all of this and keep at least a neutral face in front of my daughter so I don't influence her. Thanks.

For us, each student was allowed to invite 3 guests. Since most were kids, that usually meant 2 parents and a grandparent or sibling (many have siblings also training). Camcorders are usually not allowed, I think, but no one told us that and we all filmed the test (discreetly)--we didn't find out till the end that we shouldn't have. I think they forbid it so that you can't argue with the decision of the judges. No one took still photos the day we were there, but I think flash photos would have been more distracting than video. We weren't seated near the candidates. In fact, there weren't enough chairs for us. People went out to their cars and brought in their folding chairs (the kind you bring to picnics!) Kind of tacky not to provide chairs for the old folks, I think, for a 3-hour test....

Thank you so much for your kind words. Kindnesses always bring tears to my eyes and this was no exception. I guess my emotions are still raw about this. (Parents are always very vulnerable where their children are concerned.)

Thank you for your reply, DWx. What you say about multiple judges and less bias makes sense. But somehow I'm not sure it worked well for us. (I do know that there was some discussion of scores, but it didn't make any difference in the end.) I didn't ask for her scores or other written feedback because during the exam the judges said they would not be providing it. The instructors who'd been on the panel have been circumspect with what they've told us about the judges' comments, and I'm not quite sure why. I think they're trying to be discreet. I don't know whether it's to spare our feelings or to cover up the fact that they don't agree with the other judges or to maintain the anonymity of the other judges. Whatever the case, I can't squeeze much out of them. I think I'm supposed to trust that they will help my daughter "fix" what needs fixing before the next exam. (That's a little difficult for me to trust, since they didn't help her get it right the first time--whatever it was--and I'm not sure what it is now so it's hard for me to monitor her progress and assess her readiness to re-test. Maybe I should step back here, but a young person's ego is at stake and it's already taken one bad bruising.) I don't think our studio works enough on strength training with the kids, based on what you describe and on what I've experienced in the adult classes. Board-breaking and pad/wavemaster work aren't frequent enough. My daughter is now getting weekly private lessons, some of which will work on strength training, so I'm hoping this will make up some lost ground. I hope the judges aren't looking for "dedication and perseverance," and that failing isn't part of the test for my daughter. That seems like a lot to ask of a minor. My daughter started TKD when she was 9 years old and has spent a third of her life in training. She's forfeited all other sports, dance, music lessons, and many other extracurricular activities and vacations because we can't afford more than one pursuit for her (and her grades would suffer if she spread herself any thinner). We had been hoping that she could take a break after earning her black belt, so that she could maybe take guitar lessons and confirmation classes and start babysitting--just do some of the things other kids do while she's still a kid. Time is passing so quickly for her. But instead the intensive training process continues, and really there's no end in sight; there's no guarantee of when she'll be ready to earn her black belt (if ever). Right now my daughter seems committed to continuing her private lessons and somewhat committed to continuing to attend classes till she tests again. So I don't think she consciously would let one failed test put her off for life. But she has to fight the attraction of other activities, the fatigue of the chronically sleep-deprived teenager, and the boredom of the too-familiar as the months go by. The lure of the black belt (not a sure bet) may seem less worth striving for on a daily basis; it's hard to sustain enthusiasm indefinitely. As her mother I can "force" her to attend classes (I guess), but I hate to do that, and as she gets older I'm finding that forcing her works less and less well. I try to reserve "forcing" for instances where her health is at stake, or similarly serious situations. If I may say, this experience has totally disillusioned me from striving for a black belt myself. I'm testing this month for my brown belt, and if I am fortunate enough to earn it, I'll be happy with that. I can then learn the rest of the underbelt curriculum, and I'll feel I have achieved almost as much as a black belt. If I were to proceed to the final exam, it would ruin everything for me. The focus shifts to what you can't do, what you're weak at, where you fall short, what you can't take pride in. (I have no illusions about performing flawlessly no matter how long and how hard I train; I'm overweight and in poor health, and though I've come amazingly far since starting 2.5 years ago I'm never going to look like a "black belt.") It's sad for me, because my martial arts pursuits will come to an end soon, but it's the reality of who I am. I'm happy I've achieved what I have; it's more than I ever expected. Sorry for rambling, and thanks again very much for your response.

Thank you, Iceman. First my husband and I asked my daughter's instructor why she had not passed, and then the instructor talked privately with my daughter. But to tell you the truth, I don't think any of us really know why she didn't pass; there seems to have been differences of opinion among the judges. The ones from our school felt she should have passed; some of the others did too, but others didn't, and that was enough to sink her because those who didn't were among the highest-ranking belts. I'm told (so their votes were weighted more heavily). Power and focus seem to be the biggest concerns, from what I can tell. My daughter's 13 but small (she just sprang up to 5 feet tall but is just 80 pounds, which is about the 5th percentile for weight). Her forearms are so scrawny.... she has no biceps with which to do pushups! (Fortunately she doesn't have much weight to push up, either.) Maybe because she's as tall as an adult she's being judged like one, but really she's a twig and doesn't have the sheer muscle or body mass for the kind of "power" that I think the judges would like to see. I feel bad because this is who she is. She knows the curriculum, she's bored with it now, and I guess she'll have to continue with the same material until she gains weight and "bulks up" (maybe I should get her some steroids!) and fits the traditional image of a martial artist. Her hormones will eventually catch up, hopefully, and that will help her. (If she doesn't give up first.) Thanks again for your reply. It's hard to separate the franchise politics from the personality clashes among judges from the philosophical differences between them and the genuine shortcomings of my own child.

Hi, everyone. I'm new here. I'm a red belt adult TKD student (48 years old and really out of shape, but gradually improving--I have nowhere to go but up!). My 13-year-old daughter is a novice black belt (that's the term our studio uses for students who are beyond brown belt but not yet black belts; from what I understand, the "novice black belt" stage isn't universal). My daughter tested for her black belt recently and didn't pass. This was a surprise to us, and my daughter took it hard. She had passed her "pre-test," which is generally a harder test (full curriculum), the week before. But the pre-test is judged only by our studio's instructors (4 people). The final exam is judged by a panel of 10. Three are from our studio; the others are from other schools in the franchise. (Those instructors had never met my daughter.) A total of 21 students tested. At least 4 that I know of failed (2 from our school, out of 11 that we sent). I have several questions. First, is it typical to have such a large panel of judges at a final exam? And is it typical to have so many judges who are strangers to the students? My concern here is that I think the different studios may be judging according to different criteria/philosophies. The schools are in a period of transition, and it would be a shame if the students were the ones to suffer for it. Second question. I'm still not exactly sure why my daughter didn't pass her exam (students don't get to see the scoring sheets, and they don't get any written feedback or detailed comments--is this typical?), but one main comment seems to be that she lacks power. I can understand that--she weighs only 80 pounds. Power has never been her strong suit. Precision and flexibility (very high kicks) are her assets. I'm afraid she will continue to fail retests because of lack of power. Is power mandatory for children and teenage black belts? Do you all feel that all children/teens can attain the same degree of power that an adult can? Thanks in advance for your thoughts.